a beautiful body

Eleanor’s bedtime routine looks a little something like this: I take her upstairs for her bath or a simple hand-and-face washing if that’s all that’s necessary or we are running late (which is most evening). This hand-and-face washing usually turns into some feet washing too, which typically results in a few minutes of us hiding her feet under the washcloth and her squealing in delight every time I say “Uh, oh. Eleanor! where did your foot go?” to which she replies “Right here!” and pulls the rag away with great excitement as she laughs at seeing her feet emerge. Next we brush her teeth, which means that she chews on the toothbrush for a minute or so and then I actually brush them, and head into her room where her dad takes over- changing into PJs, selecting and reading books, turning out the light, a quick back rub, and then one last kiss before he leaves her to fall asleep.
{Lately some portion of the transfer from mom to dad has also involved a great deal of crying (“I want my mommy”) and some frustration on Tim’s part that she’s not adjusted to this, a routine we’ve maintained for at least 9 months now. He’s not taking it personally, which is good, but it’s still hard to know that he’s dealing with it on more nights that either of us would like. But I digress…}

Last night, after my portion of the bedtime routine, I was puttering around in the bathroom cleaning out the crap extra stuff under the sink when I heard Tim say something to Eleanor that gave me pause. “Eleanor,” he said. “You have a beautiful body.”

A few months ago I wrote about the degree to which girls are praised for their looks, and how infrequently we ask them questions that relate to their interests or hobbies (or directly engage their intellectual curiosity), so when I heard Tim (who is the kind of father that would rather encourage Eleanor’s love of books, or bugs, than eye shadow or handbags) tell Eleanor that she had a beautiful body I wondered where he was going with it.

He continued. “Look at these two legs of yours. They are so strong. They help you run and jump and balance. And look at this belly. It helps you turn all the good food you eat into energy that helps you play and grow.” He continued from one body part to another, describing how many she had of each (two eyes and one brain) and detailing all the wonderful things those body parts allowed her two do (“…a nose for smelling flowers, and two strong arms for hugging and holding your animals, and two ears that let you hear the birds singing and music playing…”).

The room was silent but for his voice, which was soft; soft enough to suggest that he was close to her, fully engaged in their time together. There was not a sound coming from Eleanor either, no stirring, kicking against the wall, or rustling of the sheets- sounds that usually suggest her typical toddler fidgeting. I stood motionless in the doorway, listening.

When he finished there was a moment of silence. I imagined Eleanor internalizing, at such a young age, this deeply important lesson about all that she, in her body (the very body that she has and not one that she thinks she should have), is capable of and at that moment I couldn’t remember the last time I was so moved.

And I wasn’t the only one.

After several seconds of silence I heard Eleanor’s response: “More daddy.”

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{2014- an update:  I continue to be overwhelmed by the positive response that this post generates and am honored that so many people are willing to share it widely with their audience, family, and friends. It has even been turned into a short video as part of a series of resources available from Bolster Collaborative , whose mission is to provide inspiration, evidence-based resources, and strategies to support positive youth development. Although I’m not sure that seeing Eleanor and hearing my voice actually adds to this story – sometimes hearing your  own voice read things like this makes it all the more personal – I decided that this was a message worth sharing and trying multiple media for doing so was worth the risk. Thank you for reading; I hope you  find other things on this site that resonate.)