I can’t write. And I don’t mean the general “I am not a great writer and would like to improve” kind of I can’t write, I mean the specific right now “I have these really important thoughts that I want to get out and they just keep bumping around in my head, trying to find their way to the page but never quiet getting there” kind of I can’t write.
I realize that in the grand scheme of life this is an absurd thing to complain about. The world has never felt so chaotic as it has in the last several months and what I want to say will not change that. But when I have this feeling that I’m on the verge of something great, and I just can’t execute, it leaves me feeling anxious. And that low-grade anxiety, which becomes my daily soundtrack, quietly playing in the background, distracts me from everything else that’s important in life.
Sometimes it helps if I talk about it, which I tried to do last night. In the midst of our conversation my (extremely well intentioned) husband asked “But so what’s your message? What is it you’re all about?” which didn’t help at all. Mostly because my answer left him unsatisfied and it left me feeling like I was no closer to finding my purpose and message than i was almost two years ago (when I started working with a professional coach in an attempt to find my purpose and message). Sigh.
I know that I need to be patient with myself. I know that if I keep tossing these ideas around eventually the connections between the random set of thoughts will become clear. And once the idea has fully matured, it’ll be easier to grab hold of and pull down to paper. But what I want to talk about feels very time sensitive, and I’m afraid that if I loose this window of opportunity it won’t open again. So anxiety creeps back in and begins to tug at my shirt.
I keep thinking that if I go for a long run, or get a good night’s sleep, or turn the radio off in the car to make space for thoughts to materialize, then I will have that “Ah ha!” moment. But so far I’ve not had any luck. And I’m left feeling late for tomorrow.