Today, I am 38 weeks pregnant; one full week more pregnant than I was with Eleanor. Said another way, which means exactly the same thing: I have never been more pregnant than I am right now. And I feel it – more pregnant that is; I feel like I’m waddling around everywhere, peeing every 15 minutes, eating about as often (because my stomach can only hold so much food), rolling around in bed unable to sleep because of my aching body and racing mind. I still have a pretty long to do list too, which I just can’t seem to tackle. I just don’t have the motivation. And I haven’t really gone through the “nesting phase”, which has me slightly worried.
Yes, I have washed infant clothes and have them tucked away in drawers, but I don’t have a hospital bag packed, I haven’t prepared a birth plan, and we have no formal place for the baby to sleep (I guess I’ve been thinking that he’ll just be in bed with us for a while, so why bother trying to find a place for the bassinet?). Only a couple of weeks ago did I decide to order some infant diapers and make a list of things I might want to consider bringing to the hospital. But I look at it, each night, posted on the fridge and think “Tomorrow. I’ll pack it tomorrow.”
Then there’s work. I still have a ton of stuff to take care of here, not only in preparation for leaving but in preparation for coming back. I just set two meetings for the end of November so that I can be “brought up to speed” on the work that I’ll be jumping back into once the baby’s born (I’ll be starting a somewhat new position). And with this transition comes an even longer “to do” list here in the office. Yet I feel equally ambivalent about tackling it each day.
Because the reality is that what I want to do, especially right now, is be alone. To sit in stillness and prepare for what is about to happen. For some reason it feels particularly powerful, and particularly important. Everything else, including writing which I normally find great happiness in doing, mostly feels like an unwelcomed distraction.
So, although I hate to do it, things may be a little sporadic around here in the coming weeks. I like having something new posted everyday, and I haven’t been able to keep up with that posting rate which has left me feeling anxious and guilty. So, I’m taking this as a cue to put it aside for a little while; I think focusing on myself right now is an okay thing to do.
So, trusted readers, I hope you don’t forget about me. I hope you forgive me for not writing more often, and I hope you come back when I start again- and I WILL start again – because I love knowing that you’re out there.