seeking patience

Eleanor is two and a half years old (although if she hears me say this she corrects me, “No. I two mommy.”) which means she is testing her independence and autonomy like it was her job. Which is ultimately a good thing- because it is her job. This is exactly what she should be doing at this age.

But with her increased desire for autonomy has come an increased level of frustration, more whining for things she “needs” or over things that she finds she cannot do on her own (despite her immense desire to do them without aid), and growing demands for things…”RIGHT NOW.”

In the last couple of days I have found myself increasingly short on patience when it comes to handling these moments of independence and frustration (and all the behaviors that accompany those). Take for instance the day she insisted on pulling the {too big and too heavy} roller-bag from the luggage carousel at the airport to the car and then proceeded to whine, or flat out cry, when it repeatedly from her hands and she couldn’t manage it on her own; acknowledgement, redirection,  removing the stimulus, providing assistance and options…none of these things worked and my agitation and exhaustion got the better of me.

My short-on-patience reactions, and the thought of soon adding another child to the mix which might exacerbate these, has sent me seeking suggestions/advice/experiences of other parents and how they have handled similar situations in their own lives.

Most of the articles and posts I’ve read suggest the same thing: that “misbehavior” (or frustration or tantrums or whatever other label you chose to use for the child’s behaviors) are states of dysregulation, more often than not the result of needing attention, firm boundaries, and calm and consistent responses. And although I found some wonderful suggestions for handling such situations (like this one from Janet Lansbury, or this one from Dr. Laura Markham), deep down I already knew this. I just wasn’t able to execute when the moment called for it.

And that’s when it dawned on me…that these last couple of days I’ve been in my own state of dysregulation (as evidenced by my post yesterday and breakdown into full sobs at dinner last night). I’ve felt unbalanced, emotional, and uncertain; in short I have been in need of attention. And how can I expect to help Eleanor come back to her place of balance when I’m not there myself? (This idea, of mutual regulation/dysregulation is written about nicely here…I find it a very intriguing concept). The answer is that I cannot.

But I feel much freer after this realization, and a little more confident that I have what it takes to remain calm in the face of my two-year-old behaving like a two-year-old. These recognitions (along with the hour-long prenatal massage I scheduled for next week!) should help me get back to center in no time.